Garth Ball

Nairobi, Kenya
Graduated C3 College 2008

Philippians 4:2

“Now I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche. Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement.”

This passage has been resounding inside of me for a good portion of the last 4 years. It clearly shows us that for Christians born again into the family of believers, conflict resolution is the heart of God. It’s not to say that levels of relational proximity don’t fluctuate, but I have seen too many relationships breakdown when they didn’t have to.

I believe that as Christian leaders, we have a responsibility from God to build communities that understand the value and key elements of conflict resolution. This has been a huge learning curve for Jaime and I in a cross-cultural environment, but it’s the high path of transformational leadership. Let’s explore 3 killers of conflict resolution, and the way we can overcome them.

1.     Avoidance

No-one enjoys conflict. It would be an alarm bell if we did. Avoiding it is tempting, but we do so at our own peril. Everyone has a threshold of relational pain. We can ignore it for only so long, before it spills out. I’ve observed that when we avoid the elephant of conflict, the eventual result is more often than not a break in the relationship.

Different cultures have different values when it comes to giving negative feedback (See Erin Meyer, “The Culture Map). Scriptures seems clear, however, that bringing our concerns to one another when we feel relational pain is really important.

Solution to avoidance: Speak the truth in love. (Eph. 4:15, Matt. 18:15-17)

2.     Aggression

Aggression amidst conflict is as unhelpful as avoidance. There are not many situations more intimidating than bringing a complaint to someone with a short fuse. We need to do whatever is necessary to shift our heart to a place where we genuinely desire what is best for the other person, no matter how frustrated we may be. As leaders, we need to be safe people, and create safe environments. I’ve found that as leaders, we can become stronger in protecting personal and organisational values, while at the same time becoming softer in how we deal with people in doing so. Defensiveness will get us nowhere. Gentleness (which is strength with nothing to prove) will help us walk in the love and patience necessary to resolve conflict amicably.

Solution to aggression: Speak with gentleness (Prov. 15:1, Eph. 4:2)

3.     Arrogance

One of the phrases I shudder at the most when it comes to interpersonal communication is, “I just say it how it is, that’s who I am.” Although for a lot of my life I’ve been guilty of this, at some point I realised that it was a completely arrogant and selfish way of living. Although we are called to communicate when we feel pain, how we do so is really important. When we are communicating, we should do so to restore relationship, to engage in a mutually beneficial conversation and to be understood, not just to say our piece and put someone in line. We need to let our ego simmer, humble ourselves, and engage in a way that tears walls down, rather than building them up.

Solution to arrogance: Speak with humility. (1 Pet. 5:5, Phil. 2:3)