Spêak - Caleb Gonzalez

Spêak

Is He the still small whisper I wait to hear in the midst of the darkness? Is He the overwhelming shout I wait on when I loudly proclaim His name? Would He even bother to speak to me at all? Perhaps I’m not worthy or chosen to hear his voice. 
 
I struggled hearing his voice for what felt like years, I began wondering if I ever would.
 
Those years were a very confusing period of time for me because I could see God’s hand upon my life, I felt His presence, I clearly saw him opening certain doors and closing others yet I could hear nothing. That time in my life reminded me of an old B&W film. I could clearly see what was happening, I knew it was real, I could feel the emotions being produced by it but I heard nothing. .

"I was so focused on looking good for God, hoping that through those efforts I’d be able to hear His voice."

I found myself making an un-healthy conscious effort to make myself look like the best I could be, I began drifting from him and drawing near to certain people who *audibly* affirmed me and made me feel appreciated. Over time that form of affirmation morphed itself from being something I enjoyed to something I needed to keep going. At one point I found myself unable to connect with God through worship because I was so focused on looking good for God, hoping that through those efforts I’d be able to hear His voice. 
 

Spêak

However, the breakthrough finally came once I stopped thinking about what I was doing with my brain and began pouring my heart into it. This meant that when I was working, I was doing it as unto the Lord not as unto man. When I prayed, I prayed as if I was having a personal conversation with my Heavenly Father. When I worshiped, I worshiped with a heart abandoned. 

"Although I still don’t audibly hear his voice, his presence and overwhelming peace is more than enough."

I stopped trying to connect with God using my brain and logic and instead began connecting with him with my heart and through that process I felt myself closer to God than ever before. Although I still don’t audibly hear his voice, his presence and overwhelming peace is more than enough. I’ve gotten to the point where if I had to go the rest of my life without hearing His voice audibly I would be okay, because I know in my heart that he loves me and He’s pleased with me.

Caleb Gonzalez, a C3 College 1st Year Film & Graphic Design student, hungry for God to Spêak.